Last week the Court of Frivolous Claims convened at the historic [——] Courthouse to resolve a matter of first impression regarding what is being coined as the “doctrine of reverse trade dress.”
Statement of Facts
This is a case about cornflakes. More specifically, frosted flakes. The facts are that Kristina Caggiano (Plaintiff) was going to Safeway and asked Goodman (Douchebag) if he needed anything. D initially replied that he wanted nestle quick strawberry milk powder. P informed him that they stopped making that shit in the early 90’s. D replied that he would instead like a box of frosted flakes.
P returned with a box full of delightful breakfast cereal labeled “Frosted Flakes.” Despite the name of the product and contents of the box being identical, D refused to accept these cornflakes and refused to eat them because they were not “Kellogg’s” brand. He then ordered delivery.
The Court of Frivolous Claims sits every Wednesday at around 7:30 pm. Last week an 8 judge panel heard the infamous cornflake case. P argued that D never requested any particular brand, but asked only for “frosted flakes”. The product P delivered were Safeway brand “frosted flakes” which are indistinguishable from the brand name product and probably made in the exact same factory. D argued that there is an appreciable difference between Kellogg and generic frosted flakes, and that any request for any cereal carries an implied brand name requirement.
A split panel of the CFC found in favor of P. Judge Andersen writing for the majority explained, “it’s the same thing.” In reviewing the evidence she noted, “these are delicious you ding dong head.” Judge Merber in concurrence added, “the box actually says frosted flakes.” I forget who dissented, but they were stupid.
Issues Presented on Appeal
1. What is the proper role of generic foodstuffs in grocery shopping?
2. Did P fail to satisfy the letter of D’s request?
3. Did P fail to satisfy the spirit of D’s request?
4. Can anyone tell the difference between brand and generic frosted flakes?
Tonight the Court of Appeals for Frivolous Complaining will conduct a double blind taste test comparing Kellogg and Safeway brand frosted flakes. Hopefully visiting Judge Bradley will lend some valuable perspective to the analysis.
Pre Argument Conference will be held at Lima with Judge Robinson presiding. To give the court full advantage of the pre-argument conference, let’s try to have everyone in the cornflake courtroom by 8:30.
Also please RSVP so I know how much milk to get.