Floorchair Poker

First off, hello to all you new folks.  Welcome to poker emails.  Poker emails are basically spam that circulates once a week to all the current and recently graduated clerks, purporting to make inside jokes that everyone only half-gets.  What many don’t realize, however, is that they also serve as an invite to an actual poker game, where you can go in person to drink and play and socialize with other clerks.  Weird, right?  But people actually do it.
So here comes the spam part of the email, a brief narrative that sets a theme relating back to the subject line.  Watch for name dropping of people you don’t know, and references to things that happened at previous poker games:
As many of you know, the furniture in the Goodman house is not so fond of George.  For instance, a few weeks ago the coffee table attacked him, leaving a deep gash in his leg from which he still has a scar.  Then last week the chair George was sitting in bid farewell to this cruel world and collapsed into a mangled heap underneath him.
Not wanting to part with the classic work of master carpentry, the Goodman house residents spent the past week trying to find a way to fix the chair.  Being only slightly more craftsy than the Three Stooges, we failed.  Now a legless wooden dining chair sits on the rug in the middle of the living room floor.
And so was born the great floorchair debate.  Michael insists that floorchair is comfortable, and should become the first intallment of a larger plan to convert the living room to “stadium seating.”  I, on the other hand, was proven wrong for once insisting that our house could not get more ghetto, and maintain that floorchair needs to go away.
If we get enough poker players tonight to split tables, then some lucky clerk gets to sit in floorchair.  Even if not, I would be interested to know what sober people think about the new decor, and how that changes over drink.
Floorchair can be found at [——-], starting around 7:30 pm.  We will also have poker at some point, $10 buy-in cash game.*  We still have Franzia and kraft mac&cheese for you classy folks, and will have other snacks and drinks as well.  Please RSVP so I can procure snacks accordingly.  See you tonight!
So there you have it.  Mildly entertaining and kind of makes you want to go to poker sometime, right?  I mean, not enough to actually make you show up, but enough to make you read the email again next week and tell yourself that some day you are totally going to think about trying to maybe stop by.  Note the last or second to last paragraph usually has logistics like place and time, and a request for RSVP.  Heed these.  Then at the very end I sometimes throw in a running joke or little teaser that will become funnier to you over time.
*Dolin is not invited.

Circle of Life Poker

The oh-so-slight chill in the air as I take Elton for his morning walk signals the coming of fall.  The change in seasons brings such joys as pumpkin flavoring in coffee, donuts, and all sweet snacks, sweater dresses that hide the extra pounds resulting from the pumpkin flavored junk food, and not needing to shave one’s legs for weeks on end, because I can wear leggings again and no one wants to hit on a fat girl with pumpkin breath in an ill-fitting sweater dress anyway.
This fall brings other life landmarks as well.  Neal just turned 30 (going on 13) and is discussing a more age-appropriate fashion line with his personal tailor.  I guess three-piece suits and pocket squares are a little too juvenile for this distinguished gentleman.
And as always, fall brings in a changeover in the clerk crew.  We are all hoping to see some new faces, and so far it’s been happening.  Let’s keep this momentum going.
We still have kraft mac and cheese on the menu for the hungry poker players tonight, and let’s class that cuisine up with some box wine.  The Goodman house recently acquired several new sets of wine glasses, and we need a bunch of thirsty patent dorks to test them out.
Let’s try to start the process at 7:30, so we can deal that first hand by 8:00.  For you new people, it’s a $10 buy-in cash game at [——–].  You don’t need to know how to play, you just need to know how to drink box wine and complain about Dolin.  If you don’t know who Dolin is, don’t worry.  Once you meet him, the complaining will just come naturally.