Hello, and welcome back to reality! Apologies in advance, this is going to be a long email, but I have no choice. So much has happened since we last corresponded.
We had Thanksgiving Thursday, during which we surround ourselves with all the things for which we should be thankful and silently gripe about how much they annoy us. Then there was Black Death Friday, during which battle-crazed shoppers awoke at the wee hours of the morning to beat the shit out of each other in Walmart parking lots in the hopes of getting slightly discounted prices on already cheap Chinese-labor-camp-manufactured electronics that will be returned for store credit in January anyway. A Saturday also happened, but it doesn’t have a name that I’m aware of, probably because most people sleep through it. After Sit-in-traffic Sunday there was the much celebrated Cyber Monday, during which people do millions of dollars’ worth of online shopping instead of addressing all the work that piled up over the holiday.
And finally, the most recently named day in the tradition of naming post-Thanksgiving days—yesterday—Giving Tuesday. Yes, this is a real thing, google it. Giving Tuesday is a day during which people who have compassion or who itemize their tax returns are supposed to donate money to a worthy cause. Did you not know of this or did you not get around to giving? Don’t worry, we’ll come back to this.
Because even though I said “finally” in the previous paragraph, the naming of days is not over. I have named today: Guilting Wednesday. And I will herein start the new Guilting Wednesday custom: guilting.
I shall begin my guilting by reporting on last night’s meeting of the People-Who-Waste-the-Federal-Circuit’s-Time Club, which convened mostly because Omar “the wrath of” Khan was in town carrying out the Club’s mission. He was joined by Michael “better call Saul” Goodman, also recognized for similar efforts. The meeting was presided over by club president Matt “Unhung Hero” Dowd, and visited by Dan “G.I. Jew: Real American Hebrew” Lerman, our ambassador to the People-Who-Waste-the-Supreme-Court’s-Time Club. After inducting yours truly, the topic shifted to why these once poker frequenters do not come to poker anymore. They promised that if they were mentioned in an email, they would show up. Boom. Guilting.
But they’re not alone. Although this listserv keeps growing and growing, the number of people who come to poker is not growing nearly as fast. So all you lurkers out there, getting your free chuckle at my life’s failures, time to feel the guilting.
Picture Valentine’s Day a couple months from now. While you all are warm and snuggling with your special someone, I will be running through the frigid streets of D.C. in my underwear. Not leggings with some funny print boxer shorts over top. Underwear. D.C. has no public nudity laws. I’m not doing it just to show off my pasty white body stuffed into lacy lingerie, but rather for the Children’s Tumor Foundation’s “Cupid Undie Run,” which raises money for research and treatment of neurofibromatosis (NF-1). Remember the picture of the Pope hugging a man covered in tumors that went viral a couple weeks ago? That guy has NF-1. My very good friend’s 1-year-old son (superhero alias: Jimmy Powers) also has NF-1, and we are running in the Undie Run as Team Jimmy Powers. Remember Giving Tuesday? And Guilting Wednesday? It’s all coming back now.
Take the $10 that you aren’t going to spend on poker tonight, because despite saying every week that you are totally going to show up one of these weeks, tonight just isn’t the night, and donate that unused poker buy-in to sponsor Kristina Caggiano on Team Jimmy Powers. You can donate here: http://hopecur.com/CaggianoKelly. It’s super easy. It’s just $10. It helps babies with tumors.
For those of you that are interested in actually showing up to poker tonight, it will be at 8pm at [——–]. There will be booze and loose women (if you bring them) and absolutely no more guilting.
Babies with tumors.