A Clockwork Poker

Orange thinks it’s so special.  Well I’m sick of it.  Just taking everyone along for the ride, acting like no one would ever challenge its ridiculous claims of supremacy.  Well Orange was wrong.  Orange will rue the day it crossed me.

First, Orange somehow cultivated this false mystery that the fruit and the color gave rise to some sort of chicken-and-egg paradox, and no one could tell which was named first.  The fruit was named first.  It comes from French, “pomme d’orenge,” which comes from Arabic/Persian “naranj.”  Before that lexicographical incorporation English speaking people used to call the color geoluread (which is old English speak for “yellow-red”).  Because old English people were not very clever.

Is this an amazing revelation?  No.  We use characteristically colored objects to refer to colors all the time.  Like lavender.  Or turquoise.  Have you ever walked into a paint store?  My foyer is painted “Japanese maple” and my kitchen/dining room where you all play poker is “teabag.”  If I was Lavender I would be pissed off that people don’t muse about the origins of my name when they are stoned.  Orange does not deserve a monopoly on that shit.

Orange also does not deserve a monopoly on the rhyme myth.  People are constantly making jokes that nothing rhymes with Orange.  There is even a comic strip entitled “Rhymes with Orange” like that’s so tongue-in-cheek.  Plenty of stuff rhymes with Orange.  It ends in the “inge” sound.  Binge, singe, tinge.  Even if you insist that the “r” is part of the final syllable, you still have cringe and fringe.  Not good enough?  Do you subscribe to some stricter rhyming dogma where only two-syllable words can rhyme two-syllable words?  Syringe.  Oh, but the emphasis is on the wrong syllable, so it doesn’t count?  Lozenge.

Why would anyone try to rhyme “orange” with borange, morange, porange, and then declare defeat?  A word doesn’t have to end with the entire word “orange” in order to rhyme with “orange.”  That’s not what rhyming means.  How did Orange trick the entire world into forgetting the definition of “rhyme,” and then take all the glory for being unrhymable? If I was Purple, I would be pissed as hell.

I’m not sure how anti-orangism segues into poker, but we have to get there somehow, so tonight at poker we will be serving clementine oranges and screwdrivers.  [—–].  Yours truly will not be joining until late because I have choir practice, so be sure to RSVP with sufficient specificity to enable Goodman to pin down quorum.  Also be prepared to rhyme purportedly unrhymable words.


Law Day Poker

May 1st was once May Day, an ancient Northern Hemisphere spring festival, which is still celebrated as a public holiday (everywhere in the “western” world but here).  May Day is rooted in the Celtic festival of Beltane and the Germanic festival of Walpurgis Night.  According to wikipedia, “it has traditionally been an occasion for popular and often raucous celebrations.”

In the United States, May Day was celebrated by early European settlers by making May Baskets. These were small baskets usually filled with flowers or treats and left at someone’s doorstep. The giver rang the bell and ran away. The person receiving the basket tried to catch the fleeing giver. If they caught the person, they kissed.

During the Cold War, May Day celebrations fell out of favor due to its association with the USSR (and Dolin).  Now May 1 is recognized in the U.S. as Law Day.  Law Day was invented by President Eisenhower to reflect on the role of law in the foundation of the country and to recognize its importance for society.  Observance of Law Day was enacted as Public Law 87-20 on April 7, 1961, and is codified at 36 U.S.C. § 113, which states, in relevant part:

Law Day, U.S.A., is a special day of celebration by the people of the United States—

(1) in appreciation of their liberties and the reaffirmation of their loyalty to the United States and of their rededication to the ideals of equality and justice under law in their relations with each other and with other countries; and

(2) for the cultivation of the respect for law that is so vital to the democratic way of life.

36 U.S.C. § 113(b).

In addition to requiring that American flags be displayed on all Government buildings on Law Day, § 113(c) invites the people of the United Sates to observe Law Day “with appropriate ceremonies and in other appropriate ways.”  35 U.S.C. § 113(c)(2).

Such as poker.  Be it therefore resolved, the Federal Circuit clerk community will celebrate Law Day by gathering at [——-] for the ceremonial playing of poker.  You must RSVP and bring booze.  Or the communists win.