Fabulous Poker

Oyez, Oyez, Oh Yay!  I looked upon CNN with jubilation and joy this morning to see in the headlines “Two Historic Wins for Same-Sex Marriage.”  And SCOTUS today not only broke down social barriers, it broke down party lines within the Court.

The Court first struck down DOMA 5-4:  Majority by Kennedy.  Dissents by Roberts, ThomaScalia, and Alito.  OK, not too surprising.  Then the Court found that men who don’t know how to match their belt with their shoes have no standing in Proposition 8-type disputes.  Even BETTER.  Once again 5-4—but this time written by Chief Justice Roberts who was joined by Scalia, Breyer, Ginsburg, and Kagan.  Whaaa?  These particular people cannot be allowed to join in the sacred bonds of precedent.  It’s unnatural!  Human sacrifice, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria!

Ok calm down about the Justices forming non-traditional relationships, and just enjoy the happiness of all the people celebrating outside the Supreme Court.  CNN has a bunch of pictures of the crowd waving their flags and holding up victory signs, and they all look so elated!  So triumphant!  So… cold.  In fact, they are all wearing wool hats and winter coats.  I’m pretty sure it’s 95° out right now.  This isn’t actual coverage of what’s happening at the Supreme Court, this is just stock footage of gay people!

It’s one thing to cite Lady Gaga’s twitter account as one of your sources, but this is just unacceptable journalism.  A major news source like CNN cannot post pictures purporting to be events that they are not.  If you are going to just phone it in and post stock footage of gay people, at least put them in their natural habitat, behaving normally, like gentrifying transitional neighborhoods or having brunch in Dupont Circle.  I call shenanigans on CNN!

Well to compensate for CNN’s pathetic coverage, we must have an extra fabulous poker tonight.  Dress to impress and bring bubbly booze!  [——], ring the bell, start time 8 PM, RSVP.

It is soooooo Ordered.


Too Many Babies Poker

You all need to stop having so many babies, as I can no longer keep track of your prolific reproductivities.  Someone asked me yesterday for the name of a fellow patent nerd’s daughter, as if I were the repository of all social information, and I guessed “Caroline.”  I was wrong, and the parents of, let’s call her “Josephine” (I got the gender right, albeit built into the question), were none too amused.  There are additionally at least four more Fed.Cir. babies that have been born or will be born in the past/next few days.  Many of these are second babies, which is just nuts.
In related baby news, Goodman is babysitting this afternoon at the Caggiano house, and has been instructed that his child-caring duties include vacuuming and disinfecting every surface that the baby might touch.  This is a mobile baby, so that basically means every inch of surface area in the house must be sterilized.  I initially feared, does this bubble-bound baby have some unfortunate sensitivity?  Nope.  Apparently obsessive cleaning is just what parents do nowadays.  I’m pretty sure I ate dirt and cat food as a baby, which would be unacceptable by today’s parenting standards, unless, I suppose the dirt and meow mix was autoclaved first.
Which transitions us into poker, because the house is probably as clean as it has ever been in its 123-year existence, and you should come to poker to witness this.  If we start at 8pm, that should give you all enough time to take in the dander-free air and admire all the dust-free surfaces.  Even the dog was shaved to improve the baby environment.
And who the hell is Caroline?  One of you named your baby Caroline, I totally didn’t just make that up.

Diabetes Poker

We have a special treat for all you poker players tonight.  I have a big bag of Cheryl’s confections chock full of sugar and probably crack that is sure to turbo charge a bunch of waify patent nerds.  If you have never had a Cheryl’s confection, it is like a cookie and a cupcake made a love baby after a night of hot buttery passion, and then fed that love baby nothing but sugar.  Remember when Elaine from Seinfeld wanted a store that sold only muffin tops?  Well somebody named Cheryl did that with cupcake tops.  And if I eat all of them myfatself all I won’t be able to climb up on my horse or do pilates ever again.  Honestly, the pilates I won’t really miss, but the horse was damn expensive.
So come tonight to [——] at 8pm for poker and experience the true indulgence of cookie-cupcake intermarriage.  Please RSVP so I can buy enough chocolate milk to wash down those insulin sponges.