Green paint was first seen splattered on the Lincoln Monument, one of the most iconic American images, and the Case of the Green Splatter Monster began. With DC’s finest in pursuit, paint was then found splattered across the National Cathedral, also a thing of some prominence. The Splatter Monster was identified as Jiamei Tian, a Chinese national, shortly after more paint was splattered on the statue of Martin Luther in Thomas Circle and the organ in the Luther Place Memorial Church–sort of obscure targets unless you have some sort of anti-Lutheran agenda, but whatever, still vandalism. Finally, paint was detected on a statue of Joseph Henry, the first secretary of the federally administered group of museums. And there you lost me, Ms. Tian. What possibly have you against the museum secretary guy? I understand you don’t speak English and your education of American history is probably limited, and you are most likely suffering from sort of crazy, but you went through the trouble of getting a passport, saving up money, flying from China to DC, getting a visa, and covertly vandalizing 5 highly-visible targets in our Nation’s Capital over the course of several days. And now you are going to jail. Maybe it’s worth doing some research on your targets?
Speaking of which, the penalty Tian faces is up to 10 years in prison, and up to a $5000 fine. That seems an unbalanced combination. 10 years in jail is a shit load of your life to spend behind bars. You could pay a $5000 fine by working 4 months at minimum wage. I’m guessing that the sentence was made a long time ago when money was worth more, but 10 years was also a larger percentage of someone’s life back whenever, so it’s not just inflation making the punishment seem off kilter. That’s like sentencing a Saudi blogger to 600 lashes and a wet willy.
So anyway, to celebrate the capture of the Green Splatter Monster, we will have poker as usual. Come to [——–] at 8pm. RSVP or you will be splattered with green paint. But just paint. Ms. Tian apparently mixed her paint with urine and feces, which is now being sent to the FBI labs for biological testing to confirm that all of the vandalism was linked and Tian is the lone culprit. Yay SCIENCE!