I don’t know about all you clerk alums that work for soul-sucking law firms, but my office is closed tomorrow and Friday, because we love America. Which makes today effectively Friday. Which reveals two classes of people: (1) the out-of-town-for-the-holiday-weekend-and-leaving tonight people, and (2) the whoo-it’s-pretend-Friday-let’s-drink people. Assuming there is a quorum’s worth of the second type of people, it could turn out to be an epic poker.
To continue my rant from last week on the truly abysmal reporting of CNN, this morning CNN ran a patriotic story entitled 100 great things about America. I’m not making this up, here were the TOP 10 [With my reactions]:
- Comebacks– Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, Donald Trump, Kobe Bryant, Arrested Development… Ours is a nation of second chances. [OK, good sentiment, too bad your only examples are celebrities, and it comes a few days after Texas just executed it’s 500th inmate].
- Wayfarer sunglasses–Immortalized by none other than James Dean, one of America’s coolest rebels. [OK, but number TWO on the list is sunglasses? Ever heard of the Bill of Rights? Freedom of speech?]
- Moxie– Mae West, Marilyn Monroe, Andy Kaufman, Kanye West, Madonna, Lady Gaga, Don King, the list of American originals — mavericks who have refused to entertain anything remotely close to the status quo — goes on and on. [Fair enough, though this motley crew is hardly exemplary.]
- Reality TV–From “This is Your Life” to “The Real World,” “The Jersey Shore,” and “Duck Dynasty,” the genre displays Americans at their most heroic, narcissistic, and human. [Go fuck yourself CNN.]
- Annual presidential turkey pardon [Yes, this is what makes America great…]
- Cracker Jack [They still make those?]
- Pixar [Who needs artists when you have computers?]
- The Rule of Law– Keeping us a nation of laws, not men. [Brilliant. Though apparently not as brilliant as the Jersey Shore and crackerjacks…?]
- Tupperware [All our tupperware is made in China.]
- Open source/free software movement [Not American. Fail.]
Yes, the country’s leading news outlet has told its millions of viewers that this Fourth of July, we identify our nationalism with sunglasses, junk food, and mindless entertainment. Other gems from the TOP 25 include Beyoncé, Wisconsin cheese hats, Garfield, the Fast and the Furious franchise, and air conditioning. I scanned the entire 100 trying to find something actually worth taking patriotic pride in. What about a comprehensive free public education system? Slipped in at number 92. And the Peace Corps? Barely worth mentioning at number 99. But asshole celebrities getting away with murder? That’s really the number one thing that makes America great. I saw it on CNN.
Let’s make our own list tonight at 8pm at [——], as we throw around some red, white, and blue poker chips. RSVP or England might recapture us.