Fantasy Poker

In a room full of blind men, the one-eyed man is king.
That is how I felt during the first meeting of my all-ladies fantasy football league, in which we picked our draft order and chose team names, etc.  I was quite intimidated at first of the prospect of doing fantasy football, because although I enjoy football, I don’t really follow it enough to know the players of all the different teams, etc.  I also didn’t know anything about how fantasy football works.  Enter imaginary boyfriend who lives in Canada.*
Boyfriend is the world’s greatest football patron (Giants fan) and mega fantasy football nerd.  We hosted his fantasy draft at our house, which I decided to watch in preparation for my draft, which is not until Sept. 1st.  Observing a room full of sweating, white-knuckle sports geeks yelling incomprehensible things at computer screens while stuffing their faces with chips and beer was enough to give me the general gist of how this works.
And apparently the general gist is all I needed to be 100% more informed than everyone else at the ladies fantasy football summit.  As such, I took charge of the meeting and fielded such questions as “does it have to be competitive or can we all be the same team?” and “do I have to do something on the computer every week?” and “how do I know if my player gets hurt?” and “what is a running back?”
I think this is going to be an interesting draft.  Does anyone have any recommendations for a good pick?
This also gives me an idea for adding a new dimension to poker.  We could have fantasy poker, and draft different players and come up with a point score based on winning hands.  Everytime Neal wins a hand with a flush = 3 points.  Every time Neal loses a hand with a Han-non flush = -1 point.  Every time Dolin wins with a 2-7 off suit = 5 points, but lets face it, he’s probably on your “do not draft” list.  We can go over more point values and drafting logistics at poker tonight.  Let’s try for a very early 7:30 start time.  Lately old married people want to leave early, so let’s see if an earlier start could give us more playing time.  [———-], bring booze, and any helpful football knowledge.
*Not imaginary and does not live in Canada.

New Rules of Federal Civil Pokecedure

The Federal Rules of Civil Procedure are currently under review and the notice and comment period for amendments to the rules is now open.  I have proposed several new rules that will dramatically improve the practice of law and the efficient and effective operation of our judicial system.  Excerpts from my new rules are as follows:

Rule 33:  Interrogatories and responses thereto are obsolete and hereby abolished.  Rule 34: The production of documents and things is obsolete and hereby abolished.    Rule 35: Henceforth, parties can search the NSA database containing every electronic and telephone communication and internal document file of all other parties without limitation, at their own expense, outside counsel eyes only.  The NSA shall charge for searches with a fee structure similar to lexis and westlaw.  All fees collected shall be used to administer diarrhea medicine to children in poor countries.

Rule 36:  Only three words are permitted in an answer to a complaint: “Admitted,”  “Denied,” and “Fuckoff.”  You get one “fuckoff” per answer.  You get one admission takeseys-backseys per answer, redeemable at any time.  Each denial that is proven true at any time results in the clerk of court striking once with a ball-peen hammer the car of the managing partner representing the denier.

Rule 37: All attorney sanctions shall be publicized on the website with a sad picture of the offending attorney holding a sign reciting the offense in first person, displayed next to a laboradoodle that pooped in a laundry basket.

Rule 30:  All depositions shall last one hour and be conducted by Barbara Walters or Oprah Winfrey.  All lawyers present must be bound and gagged.  A standing objection to form for all questions shall be assumed but not taken seriously.

Rule 16:  All letters between attorneys shall be written in crayon, such that the form of the correspondence matches its substance in childishness.

Rule 11:  Every case miscited in a motion shall result in the clerk of court striking once with a ball-peen hammer the smartphone of an attorney at random representing the party misciting the case.  Every false accusation of a case being miscited by an opposing party shall be considered a miscitation of the case in the first instance by the accuser.

So those are the big ones.  There are a few more uses of hammers and crayons and references to feces during the trial, but I don’t think there will be be many trials under this new regime.  Do you folks have anything you would like to add or change?  I am very open to suggestions from people who have litigated more contentiously than I. We can discuss in more detail during poker.  The time and place of poker is a little up in the air tonight, because there is a rumor that one of my roommates is receiving a surprise birthday party at the house, but I don’t know any of the details, like who will be there and when.  Apparently it’s a surprise for everyone involved, not just the birthday girl.  Let’s see who is interested in poker first and then we can figure out where we are going and when.  RSVP, or I shall strike you once with a ball-peen hammer.

Schadenfreude Poker

Through the blogosphere, email forwards, and my occasional review of opinions coming out of the Federal Circuit, and I discovered, and promptly inundated myself with, record documents and punditry regarding the most salacious case to come out of the Fed Circus in recent memory.  I am referring, of course, to the $9mil atty fee award for the vexatious litigation of O2 Micro v. MPS.
Reading the opinion itself was very disappointing, but in ways not too surprising knowing my old Judge.  I’m seeing some factual details, which is good, but also seeing a lot of case citations and discussions of legal standards, blah blah blah logic and analysis, and NO MENTION of the ONE piece of information that I, and the rest of the world, ACTUALLY want to know.  WHO WAS IT!?  I want names!
This case has special meaning to me as well, because as most of you don’t recall, I was rivals with O2 Micro not too long ago, and lost my appeal of one of the most ridiculous infringement findings in patent history.  Not that I’m biter, but obviously they CHEATED somehow because it is the only possible explanation, and I need to know if it was the same team.
But Judge Prost with all her dignity and professionalism is now going to force me and half the petty spiteful IP litigation community to actually go look up who the trial attorneys were; single-handedly costing society 6 minutes at $7.8 million/hr which we will all bill as .5 to some poor client for “review of recently issued Federal Circuit case with potential implication for trial strategy.”  With another .5 for “discussion and correspondence re same” if it’s someone we know and hate.
But it was totally worth it.  Because it was all the same people I knew too well.  I’ll save you some time and your clients some $$$.  Here is them defending themselves before the district court and failing:
So anyway, poker.  Bring your best gossip to [———-] at 8pm, so that we may continue to delight in the comuppances of others only slightly more sinister than ourselves.  RSVP so we can choose our gossip wisely, and you should probably make a special effort to show up because we might start rumors about you in your absence… Bring booze, maybe some snacks, in order to buy our loyalty.

Women’s Poker

I, and everyone at my firm, was proud and pleased to be listed among the top 50 firms for women of 2013.  You can check out the listing on above-the-law an other such reputable news sources.  There are actually a couple different competing lists out there, using different metrics.  One list measures by most women partners, one for highest paid women, and the rest are for flex-time, work-life-balance, and maternity policies.  So in a burst of team spirit and high morale, I went researching the lists and metrics to see how well my firm fared.  Very good on the life balance part.  OK on the partnership part, not so much on the pay.  So who are the firms that pay their women the most?  The same firms that pay all their attorneys the most.  Who had the most women partners?  The firms with the most partners.  Who had the best mother-family accommodations? The firms with the best work-life balance overall.
Sometimes I feel like the biglaw community is hoodwinking me into seeing issues where there are none.  Women can still be paid less then their male counterparts, but as long as they are paid more than women at other firms, they give out awards?  McDonald’s feeds and employs more women than any other food service establishment, should McDonald’s get recognition for its superior service to women?
Poker tonight will be the best poker for women.  It will be held at [——–], which is the Federal Circuit-affiliated house where the most women live.  $10 buy-in for women, and women can buy-in as many times as they want.  Women will also have a variety of beverages and snacks to choose from.  Granted all of these things apply even more so to men, but that doesn’t make anything I said less true.  Just more lawyerly.