The Federal Rules of Civil Procedure are currently under review and the notice and comment period for amendments to the rules is now open. I have proposed several new rules that will dramatically improve the practice of law and the efficient and effective operation of our judicial system. Excerpts from my new rules are as follows:
Rule 33: Interrogatories and responses thereto are obsolete and hereby abolished. Rule 34: The production of documents and things is obsolete and hereby abolished. Rule 35: Henceforth, parties can search the NSA database containing every electronic and telephone communication and internal document file of all other parties without limitation, at their own expense, outside counsel eyes only. The NSA shall charge for searches with a fee structure similar to lexis and westlaw. All fees collected shall be used to administer diarrhea medicine to children in poor countries.
Rule 36: Only three words are permitted in an answer to a complaint: “Admitted,” “Denied,” and “Fuckoff.” You get one “fuckoff” per answer. You get one admission takeseys-backseys per answer, redeemable at any time. Each denial that is proven true at any time results in the clerk of court striking once with a ball-peen hammer the car of the managing partner representing the denier.
Rule 37: All attorney sanctions shall be publicized on the website www.dogshaming.tumblr.com with a sad picture of the offending attorney holding a sign reciting the offense in first person, displayed next to a laboradoodle that pooped in a laundry basket.
Rule 30: All depositions shall last one hour and be conducted by Barbara Walters or Oprah Winfrey. All lawyers present must be bound and gagged. A standing objection to form for all questions shall be assumed but not taken seriously.
Rule 16: All letters between attorneys shall be written in crayon, such that the form of the correspondence matches its substance in childishness.
Rule 11: Every case miscited in a motion shall result in the clerk of court striking once with a ball-peen hammer the smartphone of an attorney at random representing the party misciting the case. Every false accusation of a case being miscited by an opposing party shall be considered a miscitation of the case in the first instance by the accuser.
So those are the big ones. There are a few more uses of hammers and crayons and references to feces during the trial, but I don’t think there will be be many trials under this new regime. Do you folks have anything you would like to add or change? I am very open to suggestions from people who have litigated more contentiously than I. We can discuss in more detail during poker. The time and place of poker is a little up in the air tonight, because there is a rumor that one of my roommates is receiving a surprise birthday party at the house, but I don’t know any of the details, like who will be there and when. Apparently it’s a surprise for everyone involved, not just the birthday girl. Let’s see who is interested in poker first and then we can figure out where we are going and when. RSVP, or I shall strike you once with a ball-peen hammer.