Absolute Value Poker

Since my impending nuptials, I have become increasingly aware of all things wedding and marriage-related.  This includes a newfound interest in observing people who are happily and unhappily married and formerly married.  My observations so far have confirmed that the connection between spouses is by nature one of atypically large absolute value, rather than one that is particularly positive.  Though the passion of people who marry each other probably has a positive sign at the time they are married, it could just as readily change over to having a negative sign while still retaining all other attributes.  There is a special hatred out there so large in magnitude, it is only ever seen occurring between people who have been married.

Make no mistake, this does not dissuade me in any way from my own planning.  There is no one I love more than imaginary fiancé.  And no one else I could realistically see myself murdering.  That sounds about right.  He’s the one.

The absolute value phenomenon also manifests itself in planning the logistics of a wedding.  Case study: procuring the Court as my ceremony venue.  Due to some disconnect within the Court administration, and I was initially told that the Chief denied my request to use the Court for my ceremony, thus dashing my dreams and awaking a bridezillan rage that prompted me to draft a classic punctuation-less rant that in my head read:

dear chief:

you clearly understand what my dream wedding is.  all about you are generous, kind, and thoughtful judges who are not like you.  admit to being useless and inferior.  you have ruined me. for other venues, i am eternally grateful.  i will never speak of you again.

without great admiration,


Resolution was quickly reached and after promising to be on my best behavior and pledging to the Chief my first-born daughter my request was approved and the venue secured, and the rant in my head magically transformed punctuation.  The absolute value was the same, just the minus sign got reversed:

dear chief:

you clearly understand what my dream wedding is all about.  you are generous, kind, and thoughtful.  judges who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.  you have ruined me for other venues.  i am eternally grateful.  i will never speak of you again without great admiration.


Funny how that works.  So anyway, Thursday is AFLAC ATTACK, and we have all sorts of poker veterans in from out of town.  I have questions from out of town people about poker tonight, and questions about poker after the after-party tomorrow, which was news to me but apparently on people’s radars.

So to those out-of-town clerks that want to know if poker still happens on Wednesdays: yes.  I don’t just send these emails out to spam people’s inboxes.  There is poker tonight.  [———-].  It starts at 8 pm, which means people arrive around 8:30 no matter how much I stress that it starts at 8 sharp.  You bring beer or a snack or something to share with the class.  You RSVP so I know whether this will be normal poker, or giant poker, or what and I will love you forever.  Don’t RSVP and I will hate you like a divorcee.

Also, since it appears that people who aren’t in town yet want to play poker tomorrow, RSVP about your interest in that.  I don’t know if this would be in addition to or instead of poker tonight, and when it would start (after the after-party is like midnight(?), are we too old for that shit?) let me see how the votes come in.


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