There are several things that every minimally competent attorney knows that you should not do immediately prior to an oral argument. For example, you should not try cocaine for the first time the night before an oral argument. You don’t have to be Don Dunner to grasp that concept. You also should not schedule major cosmetic surgery the day before an oral argument. Pretty basic stuff.
Now I may have never had cosmetic surgery or done cocaine, but I still manage to do things that any minimally competent attorney would not do right before speaking for the first time to a panel of article three judges.
For example. Let’s say, hypothetically, yesterday was Goodman’s birthday. And let’s say, hypothetically, he wanted to drink cobra venom for his birthday. Now regardless of whether this is a good idea in the first place, would you make your first culinary exploration into poisonous snake excretions the day before an oral argument? That is essentially what I did.
Goodman wanted to go to a seafood restaurant for his birthday. I am a vegetarian, and I do not eat animals, terrestrial or aquatic. But we were there, and it was a special occasion, and I reasoned with myself that clams and scallops are invertebrates, they don’t have heads, or faces, or even brains of any kind. They are barely animals. So just this once I don’t have to be “that girl” who orders scallops on a bed of mashed potatoes without the scallops. For $45.
Following my mollusk madness I discovered that just because I convince my brain that I can eat something does not mean I have convinced my body that I can digest said something. Especially where said something is a truckload of cheap shellfish that my vegetarian gut does not even recognize as food. At first I thought maybe my intestinal distress was just pre-argument jitters wreaking havoc on my system. During riding that evening I actually had to stop my horse, dismount, and run up to the barn bathroom. At least it was a barn. Barns always smell like shit. As my symptoms progressed to more closely resembling food poisoning, I realized that I might not make it through 15 minutes of oral argument with nothing but clenched pilates-toned butt cheeks between me and Armageddon.
Thankfully, my super-fast metabolism managed to complete resolution of the problem by about 9 this morning, and I made it through what turned out to be almost an hour of argument with no emergencies. Perhaps I should celebrate with some meat…dipped in cobra venom…
So anyway, poker. Yes it is happening. It happens at 8pm. It happens at [——-]. Bring a ton of booze. I have been drinking since 11 AM, so I’m waaaaay ahead of you. RSVP.
Oh, and for all you in-house counsel on this listserv, I am totally a competent attorney. Like, for serious.