The internet knows I’m married. It’s a very weird and creepy thing. The ad banners on my browser for months leading up to my wedding said things like “buy cheap flowers in bulk” and “5 foods you should never eat to avoid belly fat” and “half price on super cute shoes.” Even though I rarely click on ad banners, I did at least look at them because, well, they were targeting my interests at the time. Then magically, the day after my wedding, all the ad banners changed.
Now the top ad I see is “yoga pants for the office.” Now I have been married less than two weeks, so some of my former identity still lingers, while the new identity slowly emerges. Kristina Caggiano saw that ad banner and immediately ranted: Have we so given up as a society and embraced our sloth and obesity that we don’t even want yoga pants to do exercise anymore? “Active wear” is now just stretchy cloth to pull softly over our fat rolls because we can’t even wear respectable clothes to sit on our asses all day at work!? But Kristina Kelly looked at those yoga pants and said: I want them. They look so comfy. Dress to impress? I don’t give a shit.
I also keep getting banners for “assorted wine delivered to your door every month.” Kristina Caggiano thought, I live a block from a Safeway that carries a huge selection of wine, half a block from a liquor store that carries even more, and within 5 minutes of 10 bars and restaurants that serve all the wine I could ever want. How lazy does one have to be to get wine delivered—regularly—in that environment? And do they think that I have just given up on actually leaving my house and going out at night? Like I will have no social life anymore and I just want to drink empty calories alone on my couch? But Kristina Kelly ordered it. Because it’s wine that you don’t even have to carry. It just comes to the door and you can get drunk in your yoga pants watching Battlestar Galactica for the 8th time. Genius.
Then yesterday, I saw an ad banner for “5 foods that enhance your fertility.” And Kristina Caggiano said oh HELL no. I’m filing that one with “5 foods you should never eat to avoid belly fat.” Pass the lazy yuppie wine! But Kristina Kelly clicked on it. Just to see. Because maybe izzy itty widdy baby booties….
STOP. Poker! And Booze! And loud drunk friends breaking shit! I have a choir practice tonight, and Goodman is still in Belize, so poker can start a little later than usual at 9 PM at [———–] or earlier somewhere else?). Please RSVP to figure out quorum, and timing, and whether a later start is ok for people. Again, you don’t have to bring booze this time, we can just drink delivery wine.