Suffrage Poker

Yesterday was the anniversary of the passage of the 19th Amendment to the constitution, giving women the right to vote.  The suffrage movement started in abouts 1858, by Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Lucy Stone and other names I vaguely recognize from grade school. The first national election that women could vote in was in November of 1920, which was a long time by olden days standards.  None of the movement’s founders lived long enough to ever cast a ballot.

In honor of this bittersweet milestone in our nation’s history, the ladies of poker get to vote on everything tonight.  Pre-flop raise?  Put it to a vote!  Want another beer?  I vote you have had enough!

Hosting poker tonight will be the lovely Neal and Jen of Columbia Heights.  [————-].  Start time 8pm, bring something yummy. RSVP, it’s kind of like voting on having poker.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to a hearing where I will sit silently in the back while men argue over the briefs that I wrote and yet do not bear my name.  Ah, progress.

Thicke Poker

Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey

If you can’t agree with the meaning of this claim term
If you can’t read in limitations from the spec
(hey, hey, hey) Maybe you’re going dense,
(hey, hey, hey) Maybe this judge is blind
(hey, hey, hey) Or claim construction warps my mind

OK now here we go, we got a magistrate
But Markman’s a mongrel, we gonna complicate
Just let me educate you
I’ve got an expert statement
This term will make or break it
And that’s why I’m gon’ take a
good word

Cuz we’re attorneys
And that’s what we do
We see all sides of
One-sided issues
Then we blur lines!
Prosecution history
It’s all a mystery
Lexi-co-graphin’
It don’t mean nufin.

You’re a good word
You have plain meaning
And we all know it
But we won’t say it
We have to show it
Through these blurred lines!

Just grab a POSA
Or a POSITA
(that means “little POSA”)
You da hottest term in this claim!

Hey, hey, hey
It’s Wednesday
Eight thirtay
At house Kel-lay
RSVPay
And let me know the
good word!

Urban Legend Poker

I was informed this morning that Dr. Dolin is making his triumphant return to poker tonight, and he instructed me to make an appropriate announcement in the poker email so that his fans could come prepared by bringing his favorite snacks (which I believe are Kosher crab rangoon and chocolate molded into the likenesses of prominent conservative pundits).

It has been so long since Dolin has been to a poker, or even has been mentioned in a poker email, that I believe his very existence has become a sort of Federal Circuit urban legend.  I then became inspired to research other local urban legends.  To the Google!

When I google “urban legends of dc,” the first hit is “bunny man.”  Apparently, this is a man that dresses in a giant rabbit suit and kills people with an ax (spelled axe if you are playing scrabble or words with friends).  I had never heard this urban legend, and it greatly troubles me that this is the first hit on the world’s leading search engine.

Further searching, of course, turned up several other urban legends that also trouble me, but more because I had heard of them and thought that they were true:

  • The advent of “lobbying” being the lobby of the Williard hotel (it was the lobbies of the House of Commons in pre-America England),
  • D.C. being built on swampland (there was a tiny seasonal marsh near Union Station, but no other wetland in the area),
  • The feet position of horse statutes being code for whether the rider died in battle (there is no convention, and any apparent pattern to horses with one or two feet raised is a coincidence),
  • Georgetown snobs refusing a metro stop to keep out the riff raff (the metro was designed to bring commuters from the suburbs into downtown; Georgetown never qualified for a metro stop)
  • the missing J street being L’Enfant’s snub to Supreme Court Justice John Jay (the letters J and I were considered redundant in formal name-writing in the 1700’s, which makes no sense but that is what Mythbusters says).

But the Dolin urban legend is true!  If you have never met Dolin, but you have heard legend of “a dandy and a douche” who goes all in on a 2-7 off-suit (i.e. “pocket Dolins”) because “he will not be bullied” so “suck it, monkey.”  Then tonight is the night.  It’s also a good night to show up if you are new to poker, because it is guaranteed that you won’t be the worst player at the table.

Poker location tonight will be at the Goodman house, [———-].  Start time 8pm.  Buy-in is $10.  Wine and beer are appreciated.  RSVP or bunny man will come after you…

Warewerth Poker

The Washington Nationals franchise implemented yesterday its single greatest marketing ploy, potentially unexpectedly.  As you may have seen advertised on TV during the past week, yesterday the first 20,000 ticketholders to enter Nat’s stadium received a free Jason Werth garden gnome.  It is, essentially, a 5 inch plastic Jason Werth likeness wearing a conical hat.  In other words, a bobble head that doesn’t even bobble.

The game sold out entirely, days in advance.  People started showing up at 4pm, before the park even opened.  I saw a parent HIT HIS CHILD IN THE FACE to make him cry, then dragged the crying child to a gnome vendor and claimed that the child was crying because he didn’t get a gnome.  That parent then took the ruse-begotten surplus gnome and put it on eBay.  They were out of garden gnomes by 5:45 (for a 7 o’clock game).  By 6 pm several gnomes were listed on eBay with starting bids of $50.

If I saw these Jason Werth dolls on sale in a store, I would not buy one for $50.  I would not buy one for the $25 price of my standing-room-only ticket.  I would not even buy one for the $2 metro fare that got me to the park.  And yet.  I bought a $25 ticket, left work early, wedged my claustrophobic ass into a tin metro oven stuffed with writhing sweat and flesh, and stood for 4 hours outside in DC in August in a suit and pearls.  Just to get one.  And when a sobbing mother pushing her disabled daughter in a wheelchair offered anyone $100 for their gnome I said FUCKOFF!  This useless piece of plastic made-in-china shit is MINE.  I EARNED it.

And tonight, the Warewerth will proudly grace our poker table.

The place is [———-].  The time is 8:30 pm.  Note this is a little later than usual, as I have an audition at 7 and want to give myself some extra time to get back.  The buy-in is $10.  Delicious beer is appreciated.  RSVP and maybe I pick up snacks on my way.