Thankful for Poker

So there is no poker tonight, since half of the people I know have left town, the other half are sitting in traffic right now, and I’m going to a benefit concert that somehow indirectly feeds poor people thanksgiving dinners.

Speaking of which, we have a tradition in my family where we go around the table at Thanksgiving dinner and say things that we are thankful for. I’m pretty sure my family invented this tradition and we are the only people who do this. Nonetheless, I’m going to shake it up this year. I’m going to think of things that no person in their right mind would ever give thanks for, and see how many times around the table we can go before people realize I’m being absurd. I already have some good ones on deck:

1. I’m thankful for the quality of service in DC restaurants.

2. I’m thankful that the metro is carpeted.

3. I’m thankful that the only ISP in town is Comcast.

4. I’m thankful for every aspect of the bike lanes.

5. I’m thankful that my proximity to the capitol makes my voice in congress stronger.

6. I’m thankful for the Redskins.

7. I’m thankful for the reliability of the metro escalators and scheduled track maintenance.

8. I’m thankful for the way DC drivers handle inclement weather.

9. I’m thankful for the experiences I have had at Lauriol Plaza.

10. I’m thankful for the number of casual bars downtown serving reasonably-priced beer.

11. I’m thankful for the competence of CVS employees.

12. I’m thankful that Dulles and BWI are geographically close enough to DC that all major airlines offer me tickets for those airports whenever I search for flights out of National.

13. I’m thankful that I got a parking ticket because it proves the system works and government is not broken.

Ok, I started to go off the deep end there, but I have so many more things to be thankful about! I haven’t even started talking about the inspiring protests, affordable housing costs, the longevity of the cherry blossoms, the duration of spring and fall, oh and brunch! You know how I feel about brunch… It’s all so wonderful. Feel free to add your own grattitudes, perhaps we will go around the poker table next week and do just that.

Till then, I wish a great American holiday to you and yours. Safe travels and good eats.

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Assless Chaps Poker

When gift-giving season rolls around, Imaginary Husband and I try to leave hints for each other rather than outright ask for particular presents. My go-to hint-dropping technique involves displaying pictures of the things that I want. This technique usually doesn’t require too much guesswork; a picture of socks means I want socks. A picture of cheese is pretty easy to decipher. And the types of things I want are usually things like socks and cheese. Imaginary husband is much more difficult to interpret, since he would give me a picture of a turtle wearing a hat, indicating that he wants to go to a Grateful Dead tribute concert.

A flaw in my methodology was revealed this season when I showed Husband a picture of what he believed were assless leather chaps, having some sort of sexual connotation with which I am unfamiliar. In reality, they were just regular riding chaps, for riding horses, which is a thing I do. I now sympathize at least with the confusion, since they are indeed assless/crotchless. The source of confusion is actually the fetishists, however, who don’t seem to respect that ALL CHAPS ARE ASSLESS. The lack of a seat is what makes them chaps. Otherwise they would just be terrible pants. The purpose of chaps is to wear them over your britches or schooling tights to provide an augmented contact surface between your leg and the horse’s side. By consistently calling them “assless chaps,” however, fetishists have implied, reminiscent of the doctrine of claim differentiation, that the term “chaps” standing alone is broader and comprises both assed and assless embodiments. Not true.

I would also like to take a moment to note that the term “assed” is recognized by my spellcheck dictionary, but “assless” somehow is not, despite assless being commonly used to misleadingly describe chaps, and assed being I word I’m pretty sure I just made up.

I would like to continue discussing common misnomers over poker tonight. I am chock-full of equestrian ones. For instance, did you realize that “champing at the bit” is something horses do when they are raring to go, but “chomping at the bit” is not a thing? But I say “chomping at the bit” all the time, you say? You are wrong all the time. Bring your own such facts to [——] tonight at around 8pm. RSVP so we know whether a quorum’s worth of gamblers will venture out in this cold…