Assless Chaps Poker

When gift-giving season rolls around, Imaginary Husband and I try to leave hints for each other rather than outright ask for particular presents. My go-to hint-dropping technique involves displaying pictures of the things that I want. This technique usually doesn’t require too much guesswork; a picture of socks means I want socks. A picture of cheese is pretty easy to decipher. And the types of things I want are usually things like socks and cheese. Imaginary husband is much more difficult to interpret, since he would give me a picture of a turtle wearing a hat, indicating that he wants to go to a Grateful Dead tribute concert.

A flaw in my methodology was revealed this season when I showed Husband a picture of what he believed were assless leather chaps, having some sort of sexual connotation with which I am unfamiliar. In reality, they were just regular riding chaps, for riding horses, which is a thing I do. I now sympathize at least with the confusion, since they are indeed assless/crotchless. The source of confusion is actually the fetishists, however, who don’t seem to respect that ALL CHAPS ARE ASSLESS. The lack of a seat is what makes them chaps. Otherwise they would just be terrible pants. The purpose of chaps is to wear them over your britches or schooling tights to provide an augmented contact surface between your leg and the horse’s side. By consistently calling them “assless chaps,” however, fetishists have implied, reminiscent of the doctrine of claim differentiation, that the term “chaps” standing alone is broader and comprises both assed and assless embodiments. Not true.

I would also like to take a moment to note that the term “assed” is recognized by my spellcheck dictionary, but “assless” somehow is not, despite assless being commonly used to misleadingly describe chaps, and assed being I word I’m pretty sure I just made up.

I would like to continue discussing common misnomers over poker tonight. I am chock-full of equestrian ones. For instance, did you realize that “champing at the bit” is something horses do when they are raring to go, but “chomping at the bit” is not a thing? But I say “chomping at the bit” all the time, you say? You are wrong all the time. Bring your own such facts to [——] tonight at around 8pm. RSVP so we know whether a quorum’s worth of gamblers will venture out in this cold…

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